


Love Me For Myself

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Acceptance, pj is there, slight AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 05:38:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14710133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It isn’t always easy to accept the fact that you’re gay. PJ’s jealous of those who can





	Love Me For Myself

**Author's Note:**

> for profoundsomething on tumblr!

Despite what Dan and Phil said, they did actually have friends. It wasn’t often that they got to see their friends, unfortunately, with their schedule being a bit insane between tours, merch designing, and other little things that filled up their time.

Things began to settle down a little, much to their relief, and around that time PJ tweeted that he was going to London for the week. Phil offered him a place to stay at their flat and PJ accepted. It was better than any of the outlandish hotel prices in London anyway.

Dan sighed as he finished putting on the bedsheets on the guest bed. Phil walked into the bedroom, catching Dan lost in thought

“Hey,” Phil greeted.

Dan looked up at him and smiled, however his gaze returned to the bedsheets. Either they were really nice to look at or Dan was thinking about something serious.

Phil walked over to him, a bit concerned. “Something wrong? Do you need to lay down?”

Dan shook his head. “No, I’m okay. It’s about PJ.”

Phil raised an eyebrow. He knew they hadn’t see PJ in nearly two years, but they had kept somewhat in contact. Was Dan worried that it might be awkward? “What about him?”

Dan shrugged. “Have you ever noticed him acting… weird?”

“This is PJ we are talking about. Being weird is kind of who he is.”

“No, that’s not what I meant.” Dan sighed. “Whenever we act all couple-y in front of him, he acts kind of stand offish. Like he’s uncomfortable with us showing affection.”

Phil frowned. “I never noticed? I’ve known PJ since university, I think I would notice if he was homophobic.”

Dan knew he was right. Still, something about how PJ acted bothered Dan.

Phil pecked Dan’s cheek, comforting him. “Don’t worry about it, okay? We haven’t seen him for two years. And if anything does go wrong, we don’t have to invite him back.”

Dan still felt uneasy, but he was willing to settle with what Phil said. He was right after all; they hadn’t seen him in two years. It was probably his mind playing tricks on him, overthinking things as usual.

“Yeah, it’s probably nothing,” Dan mumbled. “I think the stress from everything is getting to me.”

Phil nodded, wrapping his arms around Dan’s waist. “I’ve noticed. How about you go take a bath to relax? I bought some new bathbombs the other day, if you want to try those out. I’ll finish up here and come cuddle you afterwards.”

Dan smiled softly. Phil knew about his addiction to bath bombs and despite teasing Dan relentlessly about it, he always went out of his way to buy Dan knew ones whenever he was out shopping.

“Thank you.” He leaned in, Phil meeting him halfway for a quick kiss.

He was only overthinking things; that was all there was to it.

The next day, the two woke up early (well, earlier than normal) to meet PJ at a nearby diner for breakfast. Dan felt much better, the bath and cuddles working wonders. That and the fact that they might have done a bit more than cuddle.

He was excited to see PJ again, remembering the fun videos they had made in the past. No one could replicate PJ’s spontaneous humor or creativity. Dan even began considering making a collab with PJ while he stayed at their apartment. It’d been a few weeks since Dan had posted; the fans would enjoy a collab with PJ.

When they made it to the diner, the found PJ easily, his untamed curls separating him from the city crowd. They hugged him and went into the diner, easily falling into conversation. 

Any worries Dan had about PJ’s previous behavior were discarded and forgotten.

-

“We might move to Brighton after the tour.”

It was later in the evening and Dan and PJ were sitting in the lounge, legs tired from walking around and sightseeing all day. Phil was in the kitchen, cooking them dinner. Dan was talking with PJ about what they were going to do after the tour, with the lease on their apartment ending not too soon afterwards.

“Are you guys gonna buy a house or an apartment again?” PJ asked.

“A house, definitely a house. We want a place to settle down and live for a long time.”

PJ nodded. “Brighton is a good city for that. And I’m not just saying that because I live there.”

Dan laughed. “We’ll be closer too, we can get together more often.”

“Oh no,” PJ faked a groan, “I’ll have to see more of you? I take it back, Brighton’s an awful place, don’t ever move here.”

Dan rolled his eyes at PJ’s sarcasm, though he was smiling. “I’ll move there just to spit you then.”

Phil entered the room, dangerously carrying three plates of stir fry. Dan immediately jumped up, not trusting him to somehow avoid dropping one or more of the plates. “Phil, you could have called me to help,” Dan whined as he took the third plate that was wobbling dangerously on Phil’s arm.

“I had it perfectly fine!”

Dan laughed fondly, knowing that Phil definitely did not have it fine. Dan sat back down, claiming the plate he had grabbed as his own. Phil joined him after handing PJ his plate. He kissed Dan’s cheek, making the younger man blush. Showing affection in front of his friends always made Dan feel flustered.

PJ didn’t make any comment, though he did quickly look away, preferring to watch them out of the corner of his eye. “Hey, uh, why don’t we watch a movie while we eat? I’m fine with whatever.”

Dan and Phil both agreed to that idea. After a bit of arguing between the two, Phil got up and put in a movie, having been overpowered by Dan’s gay energy. He picked the first one he saw before settling back down next to Dan.

Once Phil had finished off his food, he set the plate on the table and curled into Dan’s side. Dan smiled softly. He quickly finished his own and set his plate on top of Phil’s. Sighing quietly, he laid his head on top of Phil’s, momentarily forgetting that PJ was there.

Dan could feel himself becoming more and more drowsy, his full tummy and the warmth of Phil beside him providing him the perfect comfort. The sound of PJ putting his plate down startled Dan, catching his attention to PJ once again.

Dan watched with tired eyes as PJ glanced at them, seeming to almost be glaring. It was almost for a split second, but it left Dan feeling cold and uneasy. He shifted uneasily, raising his head and losing contact with Phil. Phil whined softly, loud enough for only Dan to hear, and scooted back into place.

Dan saw PJ shift uncomfortably, making Dan even more on edge. He grabbed Phil’s hand, searching for reassurance. Phil didn’t say anything but rubbed his thumbs over Dan’s knuckles in a reassuring manner.

A few minutes later, PJ stood up. “I think I’m gonna turn in early. The early train ride is catching up to me.”

Phil said goodnight to PJ, however Dan remained silent. He was too busy thinking about the looks PJ kept giving them; it was exactly how he remembered it.

It wasn’t long after PJ left that Dan brought it up. “Did you see him staring at us?” Dan hissed.

Phil shrugged. He wasn’t in the mood for a conversation. This only made Dan roll his eyes.

“Come on, Phil. He was glaring at us when we were cuddling. It’s exactly like how I said he was.”

Phil sighed. “I couldn’t see him from where I was laying, but I doubt he was glaring at us. And if he was, I’m sure I’ll notice it eventually. We can deal with it then, alright?”

Dan reluctantly agreed, though his mind continued to race. Why was PJ acting so weird?

-

The pattern of glaring didn’t stop.

Whenever they kissed or even held hands, PJ grew distant and reserved. It got to the point where even Phil, who had endless faith in his friend, had begun to notice.

It had gotten particulary worse halfway through the week. Coincidentally, it worsened after Dan and Phil had gotten up to some fun in the bed late in the evening when they were sure PJ was asleep.

The final straw was when PJ had actually let out a slight groan of annoyance when Phil kissed Dan while making them dinner later that week.

“I’ll wait in the lounge,” PJ said, leaving Dan and Phil alone in the kitchen. They were both frowning, concerned about PJ’s behavior and what it could mean for their friendship.

“Alright, you were right,” Phil admitted, setting down the spatula. “There’s definitely something going on.”

Dan groaned, frustrated. “I don’t understand what his problem is. He’s worse than he has been before! And he only ever acts this way when act coupley around him.”

“Maybe he’s just jealous?”

Dan shook his head. “I doubt it. The way he acts… it’s like he’s disgusted by us being together.”

Phil sighed. He wanted to believe that his friend truly wasn’t homophobic. But there was too much evidence against him. “I think we should confront him.”

Dan nodded in agreement. “At least this way we can get an answer. Although, you’ll have to do all the talking. I can’t guarantee that I’ll keep my cool.”

Phil turned off the oven, putting their dinner on hold. There were much more serious issues to talk about, after all.

The two walked into the lounge, Phil leading the way. There PJ sat, staring at his feet like they held the universe. 

“PJ?” Phil spoke first.

PJ looked up, face blank. “What is it? Did something happen with dinner?”

Dan and Phil shared a look, Phil mentally bracing himself to confront PJ. “No, it’s about… well, it’s about us.”

PJ frowned. “What do you mean?”

Phil sighed. “We- uh, well we’ve noticed that you’ve been acting a bit strange around us. More specifically, whenever we do something affectionate, or gay.”

PJ didn’t say anything.

“I don’t want to assume anything, but with how you’ve been acting… it’s almost like you’re homophobic.”

Dan stiffened beside him. PJ looked down, shoulders sagging.

“I’m… I’m not homophobic.”

“Then why do you act like you’re uncomfortable with us being together?”

PJ sighed, his hands tangling themselves in his hair. “I swear, I’m not. It’s just… whenever I see you guys together, I get angry. Not with you, but with myself. And I don’t know why.” 

PJ looked back up at them. “I want what you guys have. I want to be able to hold someone’s hand, to feel safe and protected, I want all the domestic talks I’ve heard you guys have every single day that I’ve stayed here. And not just with someone. I want it with a guy.”

Dan froze, completely caught off guard. “Wait, are you saying-”

PJ shrugged, head falling again. “I don’t know, and honestly, some part of me doesn’t want me to be. I always thought I’d settle down with some girl and start a family. That’s all I’ve known my whole life. But then I start wanting to hold a guy’s hand or kiss a guy’s lips and suddenly I don’t know what I want anymore. There’s nothing wrong with being gay, I know that. But is there something wrong with /me/ being gay?”

Both Dan and Phil were shocked. So it hadn’t been homophobia, but jealousy. Jealousy that they could be so comfortable about their own relationship, their own sexualities. Everything made sense now.

“There’s nothing wrong with you being gay,” Dan spoke softly. He walked forward, sitting down next to him. “I know it feels almost wrong. I’ve been there. But there’s nothing wrong with how you are feeling. I know it’s different and weird but once you start accepting it, you’ll be able to accept yourself. Because it’s a part of who you are and it’s a beautiful part of who you are.”

PJ looked at Dan. The genuine care and gentleness in his eyes made PJ want to cry from relief.

“Maybe you’re gay, maybe you’re bi. Either way, I’ll always be here to support you.”

PJ smiled. “Thank you, Dan.”

Dan beamed back, then turned to Phil. PJ looked at Phil as well, only to be shocked by how upset he seemed to be.

“Phil?”

Phil rushed forward, enveloping PJ in a hug. PJ let out a little yelp, startled but enjoying the comfort.

“Don’t you dare say there’s something wrong with you being gay,” Phil lectured, holding onto PJ almost too tight, “because there’s not. You’re PJ, the most wonderfully creative person I know, and you deserve to have someone who loves you, no matter their gender.”

PJ’s heart melted. He could feel his eyes start to sting with the telltale signs of tears, so he closed them to hide it. “I love you, Phil. And you, Dan. You’re both wonderful friends.”

PJ felt Dan’s arms encircle him as well, turning it into a three way hug. “So are you,” Dan replied, “And if you ever need anything, we are here for you. Our gay asses will be here for your gay ass.”

PJ laughed and opened back up his eyes. He felt lighter, as if a weight had been taken off his shoulders. “Thanks. You guys are the greatest and I hope I find a guy who loves me like you guys love each other.”

Dan looked at Phil, who was rubbing the tears away from his eyes. He smiled; PJ deserved someone who loves him like Phil loves Dan, he decided.

“Although, maybe love each other a little less at night. I don’t exactly enjoy being woken up at 3AM to the sound of you guys going at it.”

PJ laughed at the mortified faces of the two. 

He had a long journey ahead of him of accepting himself. But with friends like Dan and Phil (who were now arguing over whose fault it was that PJ had overheard them), he knew that he’d be okay.


End file.
